The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I cut my penus on the lid.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just puked most of my soul out..
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