we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
