is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
