Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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