i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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