I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize