So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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