He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
