I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
