I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think my fart just growled at me.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
