Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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