Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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