Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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