My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
