I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
