My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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