Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
