my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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