I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She told me I should be a condom model.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
