he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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