Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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