now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize