I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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