you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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