Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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