Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
