he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I love you. Go after that dick
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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