Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
