you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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