i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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