When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
