Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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