Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
