nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
