I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
