Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize