Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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