the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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