She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
