Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize