threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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