your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
