i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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