dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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