We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
