we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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