Im at strip club and am horny
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
