He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
