Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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