When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
