Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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