I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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