I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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