Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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