I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
