I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Randomize
