I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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