two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
