I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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